The Idea of You

Directed by Michael Showalter
2024, Amazon Prime Video
1 hour, 56 minutes

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

I feel like I bring up the concept of sacrificial trash quite often when discussing media in conversation. In short, sacrificial trash is media which is obviously bad, but which also rests some of its value on being inclusive and diverse. Sacrificial trash is the perfect target for bad actors, who try to point to the inclusive and diverse nature of the media as reason it was bad, rather than a problem with its execution—as is the case with all bad media. At first, it feels like The Idea of You should fit the description of sacrificial trash. Feminism is at the heart of its message, as repeatedly expressed by characters in the film, and it’s a terrible watching experience. However, The Idea of You can’t really be considered sacrificial trash, for two reasons: the film is bewilderingly beloved by its audience, and the film only uses feminism as a smokescreen to justify problematic and toxic relationships.

The Idea of You attempts to convey the message that society doesn’t allow women to be happy—that it actively oppresses them and their desires, while the patriarchy gets to flourish in the wake the collective misery of women everywhere. Not a bad message. Women are generally oppressed, and they are rarely allowed to pursue happiness on their own terms. I think this is why The Idea of You has resonated so much with audiences, though I have very little insight into who actually enjoyed the film. I’m going based off the assumption that, being a romantic comedy, the film was likely marketed towards women—older women in particular—and they’re likely the ones who watched it, and then reviewed it. The Idea of You promises a power fantasy in which an older woman, scorned by her ex-husband and facing middle-age, gets to indulge in sexual escapades and find happiness.

The problem with that promise is that it involves a lover half her age. Age gaps are often discussed in the context of relationships, with much discourse as to what’s acceptable. The reality is that the issue with age gaps is how it manifests in a difference in power. Generally speaking, when one romantic partner is significantly older than the other, then the older partner has more power in the relationship. That power may be material, such as a stable income or guaranteed housing, or it may be psychological, with the older partner having a better sense of self and more ease in manipulating the younger partner. The issue magnifies once you take gender into consideration, with men largely having more power than women in society.

Unfortunately, The Idea of You doesn’t really engage in the problem of age gap, beyond seeing it as a social hurdle for Solène to overcome in order to be happy. It’s not that she is doing anything inherently wrong, or preying on Hayes’ damaged relationship with his parents. The issue, as presented by the film, is that people are prejudiced against her and preventing her happiness because of the age gap. The film sees nothing else wrong with it. In fact, it portrays the age gap as desirable for Solène. She isn’t a middle-aged woman, undesirable after being cheated on by a man chasing a younger woman. She is a sexy, sought-after woman, worth of being chased herself, her age an afterthought in her desirability.

Solène’s ostracization as a cougar is actually put on the same level as paparazzi in terms of social ill—a troubling concept, to say the least. One of these is the constant invasion of the privacy of individuals for the entertainment of the masses. The other is victimization disguised as pop feminism. They are not the same, and it’s insulting to people who have to deal with paparazzi on the regular to pretend that they are. Having a relationship with a significantly younger man does not make a woman powerful and capable of finding her own happiness. It makes her a predator, regardless of whether the man is legally an adult.

One could argue that Solène and Hayes are more equal in power than in other, similar circumstances. Hayes is a member world-famous boy band, with all the fame and money that comes with that title. He’s also obviously toxic, manipulative, and problematic in his own right, never taking “no” for an answer, going so far as to stalk Solène on multiple occasions. But I think these are just ways the film tries to justify the relationship, along with Solène’s general lack of initiative within the narrative—to the point that when she does take initiative, it’s so out of character that I had a hard time thinking the scene wasn’t just a fabrication of her own twisted imagination. And while he is toxic, it’s clear that Hayes is also damaged by his relationship with his parents and that he’s leaning on Solène to fill the role of both romantic partner and surrogate parent. That isn’t a healthy relationship dynamic, no matter how you look at it.

Outside the film’s obviously problematic elements, its pacing is horrid and overstays its welcome. Two hours is a long runtime for any romcom, and The Idea of You definitely didn’t need three different misunderstandings to get its point across. The cinematography is largely competent, though the sex scenes were so overdone that I had to question whether they were merely fantasies in Solène’s mind rather than reality. That might have been the point. The entire film is one long power fantasy for female predators, after all. I would have also liked to see more of the side characters, including Oliver and Desmond—though I guess that would only really happen in a film with an actual narrative.

I don’t want to come across as too critical of the feminist messaging in The Idea of You, regardless of how bungled the message was. Women are oppressed by society and by the patriarchy, and so have difficulty finding their happiness on their own terms. But what happens in this film isn’t the answer. If The Idea of You had spent even a little time interrogating significant age gap between partners, it may have been worth my time. As it stands, it felt like a waste of two hours.